What Social Media Experts will not tell you.

FACT: They don't understand Social Media.

FACT: Their only interest in Social Media is to part you from your money.

FACT: Social Media will not miraculously improve your business.

FACT: What they know about Social Media can be picked up for free in a matter of hours

FACT: Nothing that they claim can be properly measured.

FACT: Anyone that calls themselves an expert after accumulating a tiny amount of knowledge and experience is by definition not an expert.

Social Media Fantasy League

Let's start the year with a bang by launching our new competition:

"Social Media Fantasy League"

To enter follow @Social_Unicorn then send a tweet telling us the name of your team and include the hashtag #socialmediafantasyleague.

To win you must earn points:

Points can be earned by tweeting with the hashtag #socialmediafantasyleague.

Double points will be awarded for using any of the following words:

Empowerment, Leveraging, Inbound, Optimise, Maximise, Humanise, Activate and Brand

RT's and feeds do not count, reusing someone else's thoughts and words is cheating.

Prizes include:

Diamond Level Managed Social Media Experience Expert Membership

Ten new followers

A shiny badge that says "Social Media Expert"

A free PDF download of a Social Media Guide (may be two years out of date)

A £5 Starbucks voucher so that you can hang out with all the other Social Media Experts

A T Shirt that says "I paid £60 for Social Media Training which I could have got for free if I knew how to use Google"

Enter now ! You don't have a moment to lose.

Out of touch with your customers ?

Is your company clueless about your customers needs ?

Yes ?

Well why not get a complete stranger who knows nothing about your company to manage your social media ?

For the complete impersonal touch, hire a Social Media Expert to interact with your customers on your behalf.

Remember to ensure that you only hire a certified Diamond Level Social Media Expert (Trademark applied for) as this will guarantee that you will receive advice from someone who has attended at least 3 entire hours of training.

Diamond Level Managed Social Media Experience Expert Membership

1. We will create some lovely social media profiles for your brand/company/concept/collective/group/gang on Facebook (including your own Farm on Farmville), Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+ and as an added bonus create you a level 43 Warlock/Wizard character on World of Warcraft.

2. We will tend your Farm on Farmville to ensure that all livestock are fed and watered and that all crops are harvested in a timely manner.

3. We will attend local networking meetings on your behalf (let's face it you don't want to do it).

4. We will Tweet/Status Update/Poke/Share and generally annoy all of your followers on an hourly basis through the use of pre-scheduled feeds from other peoples blogs and news streams.

5. We will occasionally glance at your mentions/messages/inbox/direct messages/comments and if the mood takes us we may even reply to one or two a day.

6. You will get your very own certificate, identity card and special badge proving that you are a Diamond Level Social Media Expert. This will enable you to sell your services as a Social Media Expert to other gullible enlightened mugs people.

Four Steps To Social Media Superstardom

1. Open a Twitter a/c.

2. Choose a really really nice picture for your profile.

3. Follow Stephen Fry.

4. Send some Tweets about how brilliant Twitter is, don't worry about repeating yourself or being annoying.

Job done.